The Adventurous Mind

It’s not about achievement. It’s not about external success. What I care about is finding that part of me that is alive each day. I care about reintegrating that piece of me that makes things happen. That pushes the envelope. That doesn’t escape from the world. I want to feed the part of me that lives deeply in the world, not the part of me which wears an inauthentic mask for the world to praise.

            The chasing of outward validation and success leads to self-doubt, loss of purpose, low confidence, and internal fragmentation. I desire to turn my gaze inward and overcome that self-doubt. I want to rediscover my manhood. I’d like to push forth into this world, boldly and courageously. I thought that I needed outward success to do this, but I remembered something…

            I remembered that the best years of my life came at a point when I had zero accomplishments to boast of. Instead of relying on outward validation for my confidence, I focused internally on my personality and set myself an impossible goal which I kept secret to myself. I made myself strong through focus, discipline, and consistent hard work. I turned myself into the strongest, most resilient, confident, inspiring, daring, adventurous, leader personality possible.

            At some point, I lost sight of what was actually important. I began to chase after worldly success, money, parties, and recognition from others, thinking that this would provide me with a return to who I once was at my best. I had forgotten that the deepest well of living water came from the internal pursuit. No matter what I achieved, what money I made, places I traveled to, businesses I started, etc. I never returned to the way I experienced life during my Golden Era.

            Life is not a waiting game, and yet, that is what I have been doing. I wait for Life to happen to me. Even when I make big changes, there is still something so passive about the way I live. I don’t extend. I don’t reach. I don’t challenge myself. I used to face my fears. I used to risk rejection. I used to lead others and inspire action. I ignited adventures. But somewhere along the way, I stopped lighting the world ablaze. I became distracted and lost my way.

            What must I do to return to that deep, deep life that I once lived? I must focus on the internal pursuit, regardless of external achievement. For me, I struggle with discipline the most. My weak side prefers hedonistic whims over hard work which sets me up for success. In order to change, I must hold myself to a standard. I must force myself to do things I may not want to in the moment, such as going to the gym after a long day of work, or even just working a full-time job, day in and day out.

            For years, I ran away from a full-time job. I still catch myself running away at times, but right now, a job like that is what I need. It forces me to be disciplined. It trains me in the art of hard work, doing that which I would rather not do. It hardens my mind and makes me confident. I find pride in myself, not because of the job itself, but because of the work I have done by grinding at the job day in and day out.

            In order to grow, I must humble myself and do the work. I must grow internally, hardening my mind and becoming strong enough to work consistently on something I may not want to. Even writing this is an example. I would rather watch a YouTube video now, but I’m making myself write this, and because of that, I will grow and view myself as someone stronger than I once was.

            This is how my confidence will return. This is how success will come my way. This is how I will better connect in my relationships. This is how I will impress a girl. This is how I grow closer to God.

Discipline. Holding myself to a higher standard… and seriously hold myself to it. Not 6 days out of the week. Every day.